Girls… it didn’t work. Every top I tried seemed to show something, so short of dressing like I was headed for a pheasant hunt with Lord Snobberly-Snob, I found myself in despair. The it struck me… like a bolt of lightening… like those little cartoon light bulbs denoting an idea. Fake tan! Oh yes! I could fill in the lines with fake tan! Nobody would notice, right? Erm… wrong.

OK girls, the first thing you have to know about fake tans is that they need to be even. You cannot, I repeat, you CANNOT fill in tan lines like the pictures in your coloring books that you loved as a child. (I was particularly good at birds–my robin red breast was legendary!)

So let me tell you how it went… I started off a sort of dark milky coffee… somewhere between latte and cappuccino, with little shoulder and back stripes of milkiness. First application wasn’t dark enough, so I did a second… and a third to try to make it darker. Then I read on the bottle that it gets darker after 12hrs, so I decided to leave it till this morning to see how it looked. I’d like you now to imagine, if you will, those stripes of milkiness replaced with stripes of… carrotness. Oh my. Yes… orange. ORANGE! I looked like one of those weird colored candies that everybody picks up and looks at, and then puts back in the bag to look for something with fewer unnatural colors.

And worse still… I kind of sort of forgot to wash my hands immediately as instructed to do by the manufacturers. Well, if you ever saw the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory… remember the Oompah-Loompahs? The little orange people?  I had their hands.

So… I decided to wash it off, or rather attempt to scrub it off. And all I can say is: how many layers of skin does it take to get this @*&&@*&$ stuff off??? I’m almost hitting bone! I can’t put my hands under anything other than cold water cos they’re so sensitive to heat now!  you can actually see my vital organs through my now wafer-thin skin!  My wardrobe choices have been limited to silks and satins, cos my poor skin is too tender for harsh cottons or wools… and let me tell you, that loofah and me will not be sharing a shower again in quite some time.  Girls, do not try this at home.

Next year… I’m staying home! Tan shman!

I’ll tell you what happened people. I discovered a dark side of me I never knew existed. A side that likes to snack before bed, and enjoys breakfast tacos. Now, while this might not seem like a global problem requiring the attention of Barak Obama and the rest of the G8, it is nonetheless posing fashion problems for yours truly. My bikini from last year, whilst no longer the pinnacle of bikini fashion, would have “done a turn” as my mother would say. Meaning, ok, it doesn’t look horribly old fashioned so it would be ok. And whilst that might have been true… unfortunately, late night snacks and breakfast tacos have meant that last year’s bikini bottom now looks more like an eye patch than a bikini bottom. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share this with you, but I do.

I’m on the lookout for a half decent exercise regime that will allow me to shed a few pounds without spending 23 hrs a day in the gym. Either that or an optical illusion bikini… I’ll let you know which one I find.

Ah the wonderful hourglass figure. The quintessential female shape… right? It may be the shape that catches the eye, but you probably find that it isn’t the easiest shape in the world to buy for. As an hourglass, you probably find your big boobs and tiny waist difficult to cater for, and many of you end up wearing smocks or baggy tops that whilst comfortable, (and not wishing to be unkind) make you look like a hippo in drag. 

The classic hourglass figure needs to be shown off. It is a beautiful shape and requires tight-fitting figure hugging clothes to accentuate and highlight every voluptuous curve. So throw away those horrid baggy t-shirts, you are not Alison Moyet (google her), you probably can’t sing like her, so you don’t need to look like her either.

Ok, I can almost hear you yelling from here, but trust me on this. The classic pencil skirt is really where it’s happening for you. With that tight little waist and those fabulous hips, pencil skirts really show you off at your curvaceous best. And this beauty is currently $70 off and will set you back only $9.99… under $10! Come on, it cost me $7 for popcorn at the movies last night! By the way, Angels and Demons? I preferred the book, but then I’m not a big Tom Hanks fan… sorry Tom (I know you’re reading).

And on top… well by lovelies, you really need to show a little more of what your mamma gave you! Yes, we’re talking cleavage, and we’re talking low neck lines. In particular, we’re talking figure-hugging V-neck cardies or pullovers.

This little number is available in medium and large, and guess what… no guess.  Guess! Oh ok, ok ok I’ll tell you. I ti currently reduced from… are you ready? $65 to an unbelievable $4.79! With the top above you can get a whole new outfit for less than the price of Skinny Grande Chocalottamochiesmoothie Latte! I know I know… but it’s ok… you can thank me later. No seriously, thank me later. I’ll give an address to send money to.

Ok, shoes. Shoes shoes shoes… well, the good news is, most people will be so gobsmacked by your figure-hugging choice of clothes that they might not spend much time looking down, but nonetheless, it’s important to be dressed all the way down, right?

My first advice is to avoid stilettos at all cost, they just don’t do it for you. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. Instead, go for rounded toes or if your nails are nicely taken care of, try a peep toe shoe.

It’s easy to see why Kenneth Cole calls these beauties “Reaction”.  Starting at a whisker over $35, I personally think these are a steal. Combing classic elegance with a cheeky little toe peeping out, you can be as frivolous as you like with your nail paint. Where did I put that luminous yellow…? Hah! just kidding! Gotcha! (It’s luminous PINK!)

Her biggest complaint was that she has no curves in all the right places, and in particular… she has no “bum”. 1 2 3… “Aaaaaaaaaaw” I feel pretty sure that will all her million she could buy a pair of padded underpants, or even… erm… do some butt-building exercises..? I’m no guru on these things, but I feel quite sure that there’s something else she could do apart from moaning about it! I mean how is that supposed to make the rest of us feel when the sexiest woman on the planet complains that SHE’S unhappy with her body..?

Ok, so it’s starting to sound more like a recipe for a fruit salad, but bear with me… or should that be pear with me..? Get it? Oh… I should have my own TV show. Yes I know… it was painful.

Right, enough hilarity! Let’s look at people with pear-shaped bodies. Pears have a body of two very distinct halves: top and bottom! On the top half, pears have it made. Toned arms, muscular backs, trim waist and pert little boobies. Hard to pick fault with any of that. You don’t have the heaving chest that Apples have, but you look good in almost any top.

Then we come to the bottom. Pears aren’t necessarily overweight, but the large hips and thighs can make it difficult to find things that you like, that you also suit.

So tops are easy for you as a Pear, but the hips is a problem area because it’s in such contrast with the upper half, but you have a great waist so make the most of it! Jackets with belts let you emphasize your waistline:

This pretty raincoat from Harajuku is perfect for the time of year. It is bright and colorful, so it’s versatile, not too heavy and at $106 it is an asset to any wardrobe. You may want to pull the belt a little tighter than shown here, just to really draw attention to your waist.

This short coat from Version Sud rests just above the hips, so it really emphasizes your waistline and actually detracts a bit from your hips. It’s wide sleeves also let you show off your toned arms, so you’re really letting the world see some of your best assets. Best of all, it’s only $37.99!

When it comes to trousers, you should really stick to flat fronts, and at all costs avoid side pockets, they only draw attention to the very area you’re trying to get away from. Besides… you might be tempted to put things in the pockets and… no no no, the image is just too much, I have to stop there.

As a Pear, you will likely also enjoy the curse of big ankles, and no amount of dieting or training will make a blind bit of difference. Avoid clogs like the plague, when people hear you clopping along they’ll look down to see what on earth is making all the noise, and we don’t want that now do we? No. Instead, you can get away with boots in a way that not many others can. They cover up your ankles without making you look ashamed of them.

These tall shaft round-toed boots from Aerosoles were made for Pears; they are ideal for any occasion, and can be worn almost any time… with the notable exception perhaps of a sunny day at the beach. Or a picnic… ok, but you get the idea, they ARE flexible! But starting at under $30, how flexible do they really need to be? Hmmm?

What is it they say about an apple a day? People with apple shaped bodies tend to want to cover them up. Apples are, by definition, round, and  for many it’s just easier to disguise your roundness than try to make the effort to enhance it and look good. The apple shape is probably one of the most common body shapes, and that’s why I decided to start with it. 

While other people might find your round shape appealing, it isn’t just as easy to dress it well as they might think, and that’s why many “apples” end up looking frumpy and dare I say it… dull!

But one of the most appealing features of an apple shape is you do tend to have a very nice cleavage, so why cover it up? Why not show it off? Let the world see that you are a beautiful juicy apple, fresher than they can imagine, and just dare them to take a bite! Now, I wouldn’t go too deep, but V Necks are an excellent and very trendy way to show off your beautiful plunging neckline. I say don’t go too deep, because after all, we want to leave something to the imagination. All to often, I see someone who clearly has a beautiful cleavage, but equally clearly seems to think that is her only appealing feature, and so decides to show it off… every last inch of it. No. Less is more sometimes. So how about this elegant V Neck top from Iwearit?

Available in small, medium, and large (don’t forget, apple shape doesn’t mean you’re automatically large!), and in red or black, this top has been reduced from $40 to $33.75, so you get to look stunning and know that you also got a bit of a deal. It’s also thermal, so great for those occasiona when you want to look your best, but the weather might not be as warm as you’d like! 

On the bottom apples have to be a little more careful. Traditional jean cuts tend not to work well for apples, so you need to look for tailored jeans or wide legged.  Otherwise, don’t go for jeans at all, there are plenty of wider cut trousers available in great fabrics other than denim! What you’re trying to avoid here is emphasizing your “appleness”, and most traditional cut jeans do exactly that! Avoid boot cut jeans that flair at the bottom, instead going for a nice wide but straight cut such as these straight jeans from First Issue:

I prefer something like these ($33.99 reduced from $48) to plus sized jeans that many apples tend to go for.

However, Apples… you have been blessed with the most beautifully sculpted calves. Why do you insist on covering them up? Show them off! And for that you need a skirt. I’d go for side-fastening skirts where possible. Avoid mini skirts, and anything that comes below the knee, you’re heading down that frumpy route again aren’t you!

This full skirt from Pura Vida is about as long as you want to be going Apples. It is a little puffy, so it accentuates your naturally beautiful curves without trying to apologize for them. Currently reduced from $34 to just $20.99, it sneaks in to give you an extra little something for Spring and Summer without making you pay till Autumn!

And finally girls, you need something on your feet! As I mentioned before, you have been blessed with great calves, and the best way to show them off is with a slight wedge!

Of course, if you’re going formal, this sandal from MIA might not be the way to go, but it will look luscious with that skirt above. The wedge eccentuates your perfect calves and toned ankles, and at only $17.98, it’s a bargain in my book!

So there we have it. Apples of the world, show your cleavage and your calves and listen for the gasps of adoration and envy as you glide by…

The mathematical study of shapes is geometry… so fashion + geometry = fashionometry, the pursuit of shapes and fashion in harmony. I know, it’s a bit tenuous, but like I say, my first choices were all taken, and no, I’m not going to tell you what they were because then you’ll just go and look at them!

But isn’t it interesting how people of all different shapes and sizes can still look great? It shows me that you don’t have to be Heidi Klum or Naomi Campbell to look great. Nor does money automatically bring good fashion sense; I present the court with Paris Hilton and Victoria Beckham… nuff said!

I think people who simply buy what the fashion houses tell them to buy are missing out. You have to wear something that reflects your personality, and says more about you than “I read Vogue”. The selection of t-shirts and pants on my homepage as I write this, is very simple. Simple, yet sexy. 

If you’re comfortable in what you’re wearing, you will ooze sex appeal. If you’re constantly checking your skirt, or pulling on your top, you look and feel uneasy, and people wonder “Does she have a tick?”

So… I’m all about finding clothes that match your shape and natural color, but also your personality. Over the next few posts, I’ll be sharing my own views on different body shapes, and suggesting a few fresh ideas that might be slightly unusual but I promise will be nonetheless tantalizing…

I know you’re wondering “Where is Billie going with this?” Well, my fellow fashionometrists… I am going here:

Believe it or not, these jeans from YMI are made of Lycra, which means of course they have a little bit of give in them. Or as I like to call it “forgiveness”.  Forgiveness for indulging in that extra cream puff with chocolate sauce, or that extra sausage… or that 3rd glass of wine… or that extra portion of fried chicken… ok, ok, you get my point. Back to the jeans. How much? Well, you know I always try to bring you a bargain or two, and these babies can be yours for the recession-beating price of only $18.50, that’s 75% OFF!  I know!!!! And let’s face it, you can always use an extra pair of jeans, right?

If you’re still not convinced that you can look good in lycra outside the gym, then let me open your eyes once and for all. Let the myths be banished, and the prejudices be gone, as I present you…

This cute little dress from Jax Couture will only set you back $92, and is available in a Maui Red, Maui Turquoise, or  Caribbean Blue and in a variety of sizes. Doesn’t it just make you want to pop down to the travel agents for a brochure right now? I must confess, I am really starting to fall in love with quite a few little summer dresses I’m finding in our store. I’d love to showcase them all right here for you, but you might get bored. Just click on the photo above to order this dress, or click here to return to the homepage to search for more sundresses.

And just in case you are already bored… I couldn’t leave you today without showing you something more traditionally “lycra”. 

Not only to I love this bikini, but that’s just how I sit when I go to the beach! I do! Don’t you? Oh come on… what if “he” happens to walk past and I’m huddled over like a sack of potatoes examining my blisters? That just won’t do, so I always make sure I assume the pose…

Don’t forget to wax girls!

First, there are many words in the English language that are similar enough to be confusing, yet have very different meanings. Take naturist and naturalist for example. A naturalist being someone who studies nature, the plants, the ecology, and animals etc. A sort of environmental scientist. The you have your naturists… people who like to prance around in the nude. Following a recent trip to the Galapagos Islands, I kept referring to our excellent guide as a naturist, at which point my friends would ask why he was naked. Why can’t they just be nudists? At least it’s clear what they’re up to!

Second point. I’m not into national stereotypes per se, but… have you ever noticed how certain nationalities can’t seem to wait to get their kit off? And isn’t it a cruel twist that they very people who want to prance around naked, are the very ones you just wish would cover up? Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Kate Moss… but that’s why I keep my clothes ON!

So finally to the article. It would appear that the Germans (no surprise there) are going to open their first NUDIST hotel. There are so many things wrong with that. Why would you open a nudist hotel in a Northern European country where everyone flocks to sunny climes for their vacation? Still, at least they’re keeping it in their own back yard. Anyway… sorry… just made me laugh.